#248BF2

[teradaya]

[Color!]

So this post goes up at a very late hour. Such as 4:17am. People are usually asleep around that time, aren't they? Whoops. Needless to say, Ryouma has had a rough night unbeknownst to anyone but himself and now can't quite fall asleep. So. To the laptop he goes!]

Let us think on some things, my fellow insomniacs.

Though I guess I should also say if you've woken up just to read this, then don't be silly like me. Get yourself comfy again and shut those eyes. There we go, that's better, hm? You can always come back in the morning.

But, I was saying. I find myself being kind of contemplative tonight and I figured we can all (well, those of us still foolish or unfortunate enough to be awake at this hour) bounce our thoughts around. So tell me, what do you think it means to be "alive"? Is it purely a physical thing? If you're breathing and your heart beats, then you're good to go? Or do you qualify it with gained experiences, such as enjoying certain foods or falling in love for the first time?

Is there something else I haven't thought about?

Personally, I fall more into the second camp. I could argue that life isn't worth living if you have never sailed on the ocean at least once and experienced all that it entails. But then I wouldn't begrudge anyone who is simply happy being physically alive. And that's important, too, for sure. You can't rightly live through things if you're actually dead.

Let me know. It feels like it could be a long night.

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[teradaya]

[It's so, so obvious that Mutsunokami isn't happy with this situation. Ryouma can't blame him in the slightest; he's not particularly thrilled, either. But it still hurts to see that expression, the worry so evident. And then hearing that diagnosis almost hits him as hard as a punch. It's true. He is getting worse. Last night wasn't the first time he's had at attack since he lost control in the abandoned house with Mutsunokami. It won't be the last.

Rasetsu aren't supposed to live forever, and they're sure as hell not supposed to live without blood. How Ryouma has lasted as long as he has is a mystery, but not one he really wants to dwell on too hard.

So he gives Mutsunokami a tired smile and shoves his hands into the pockets of his coat.]

Did I tell ya that last time? When I had an attack. I don't really remember. But I think...I suspect that I'll go crazy one day, no matter what I do about this.

[It's hardly reassuring, for either of them.]

I'm still here, though. An' I'm still me. I'd say I'm havin' a pretty decent run.

[tosa]

( Again, he keeps his words to himself for a moment, turning them over and picking the ones that seem the most right to say. If he could just speak what was on his mind, he'd kick at the ground and ask how someone with such a brilliant mind could go crazy just like that. Why someone who avoided fighting had to get stuck with a curse like this in the first place. If he could just blurt out everything on his mind, he'd probably get a lot of his chest but it wouldn't solve anything at all. So he swallows back the outburst and tries to find something more constructive, )

Whether ya get it or not... ( Blood. ) It's all gonna be the same in the end.

( He loses his mind. He goes crazy. He dies. )

You can keep holding out and hoping it'll pass but it might not... but what about.... ( He knows Ryouma is going to hate it. The Ryouma he knows would hate it so certainly, he will hate it too. ) What if you had some to hold you over?

( And he cuts right to it, )

What if I gave you mine?