#030066 - Defense Force, and a Question

[passio]

It’s Dextera, again. I’m sorry to post something again so soon.

Guren disappeared a few days ago. He went home. He told me that Zelda was intended to take over the Defense Force, but it looks like Zelda has gone as well.

I don’t want to take it over. If there’s anyone who thinks they’d like to run it, I believe Guren’s notes still exist. Please take them.

[ even the text is dripping with despair, honestly. ]

And, I have a personal question, unrelated to the Defense Force.

What would your ideal world look like? If you could create something entirely new… what would you want in it?


( just as it says, there’s currently no one running the defense force! if anyone is really interested in taking it over, feel free to make an ooc post about it or put it up for discussion or whatever you feel is best, otherwise both zelda and guren’s players have said they’re fine with handwaving it! )

Comments

[crowsigliere]

I wasn't referring to the Defense Force.

[ He's absolutely allowed to mourn! Kyrie would be more bothered if Dex didn't, but... he's never been the best at accepting this type of defeatist behavior, even if he sincerely does feel for him. And even if it makes him just a little bit of a hypocrite. ]

But regardless, I don't think moping will do you much good.

[passio]

[ dextera’s first impulse is to tell kyrie to fuck off, although in more polite terms, but he knows that won’t help anyone. the laptop does provide a barrier for him, too.

still. ]

I know it won’t.

[ but i want to. he wants to mope, he wants to lay down and not get back up, but he’s made it this far. he just has to keep going and hope he can go home to guren soon. ]

You don’t have to tell me that.

+Private Message

[crowsigliere]

[ The worst of it is that Kyrie wouldn't even blame him if he did. ]

Consider it a bad habit, then.

[ He almost leaves it at that. And, honestly... he won't be surprised if he doesn't get a response, but. He swaps out the public forum in favor of Dextera's inbox, a private message coming some decent time after his last. ]

If you'll humor me, I'd like to ask my own question... You once asked me about my memory--more specifically, if I would choose to remain as I am with it, or to go back to how I was, without.

Given the choice... Would you rather hold onto your memories of him, even knowing how badly it may hurt to remember? Or would you cast them away, for the relief of forgetting?

[ He has to ask... ]

[passio]

[ dextera doesn’t respond in public because he’s mad, but by the time kyrie’s second, private message comes in, he’s cooled off a bit… and the question contained within rattles him, just a little. ]

It would hurt, even if I forgot. This is the kind of feeling that doesn’t go away.

[ he knows it well, but… that’s not really what kyrie is asking. the question is purely hypothetical—or is it, when dextera still has a ring that can take away a memory? ]

[crowsigliere]

[ That fact would be alarming, if Kyrie knew he had something like that?? What an awful ring??

But the fact he replied comes as somewhat of a relief, even if Kyrie takes a moment to consider his non-answer. ]

Perhaps, for a bit. But what if you didn't remember him at all? Without a purpose, those feelings would begin to fade with time. You wouldn't even remember having forgotten.

[passio]

[ … ]

I don’t want to hurt. It hurts without him. It hurts without everyone I’ve lost.

[ what that means as an answer is complicated. he doesn’t want to forget, but he doesn’t want to suffer this pain either. ]

[crowsigliere]

[ That's... also familiar. He doesn't need to be in Dextera's head to hear the complications as loudly as if they'd been shouted. Kyrie's been fortunate since he's arrived here to have found some relief, but a year of relative ease is far from enough to forget the ache that comes with such significant loss, even for someone without his gift.

Sure, their situations aren't the same, and it wouldn't be fair to either one to compare them, but... there's enough shared that that's as much of an answer as Kyrie needs to hear. He recognizes his own in it, after all. ]

I apologize for asking such a cruel question, I just can't help myself.

[ Surprisingly, the apology is genuine. ]

It seems terribly selfish, doesn't it? To wish to forget, knowing you'll be throwing away everything the two of you fought for.

But it's difficult to hold onto something that only burns you more as time passes, no matter how badly you might want to.

[passio]

[ it’s hard to see kyrie’s words, between the bright yellow color and the tears beginning to form as a glaze over his sight. the apology soothes the sting somewhat, but the hurt comes from much deeper within. it isn’t truly kyrie’s fault. ]

I just want everyone back. I have a hole inside me. Nothing will fill it.

[crowsigliere]

[ ...He types his next message easily enough, no more than a simple-- ]

I understand.

[ --but before he can send it, he hesitates. He's sure they've both shared quite a bit more than they otherwise might already, whether outright or through implication, but there's a certain weight behind those two particular words that feels... wrong. It implies a kind of vulnerability he's done so well to disguise, and a selfishness in seeking shared tragedy he surely isn't allowed. He knows he isn't close enough to Dex to disclose the details of these sorts of traumas, nor would he expect anything from him in return. So wouldn't it be especially awful of him to claim any sort of camaraderie now?

There's another pause between replies, as Kyrie weighs his options. But, eventually, he sends the message anyway--followed, perhaps too quickly, by a second: ]

I still hope you don't intend to waste away for his sake. If I happen to find you miserably sucking all joy out of the scenery, I won't hesitate to shoot you for it.

[passio]

[ …maybe it’s because he’s so low, but kyrie’s message oddly lights his heart up with a spark of joy that catches fire and nearly makes him laugh. someone would take him out for being sad, huh? it reminds him of the coffin man, in all his generous, jovial morbidity, except kyrie is probably saying it with simultaneously, somehow, a little more and a little less fondness.

dextera sniffles at his laptop. ]

You aren’t the first person to tell me something like that.