USER: #E00707 - insert an ominous fairy tale title here

[parodeity]

[ USER: #E00707 in this lovely color ]

so hey we never discussed how a magical hen would induce feelings of romance
like how technicolor is this bird
could you hold it up so it could be a discoball
i guess id fall shades over heels for that kind of chick
youd think thered be more magical rainbow bird weathercocks around if that were a huge thing here though
i want a magical rainbow bird weathercock
also i think the forest is against us looking for a disco bird
because the forest is antidiscobirds
which is oppression tbqh
i am being oppressed by a bunch of dickass trees
which is BULLSHIT
but also pretty much par for the course

anyway waiting for quest day and the new month to come is so oldschool
so
i am officially opening quests up for business
thats right mr f you aint the only one who can assign vagueass poetical quests with random requirements

quest fuck you forest and your disco bird oppression:
find the sacred discochick
dancing queen of only seventeen
or whatever that is in bird years
requirements: hopping dance music

quest im bored and you should all entertain me:
tell the coolkid a fairy tale of your own creation
(authors note dirk isnt the coolkid)
(some offense dirk)
requirements: the ability to string words together to form sentences

quest usually we have to fight something:
i made a scarecrow and put it up in the garden
go defeat it in honorable combat
requirements: no sense of shame

quest something something feelings quest:
hug a tree
maybe if we hug enough forest trees
the forest will stop being a little bitch about us wandering inside
requirements: touching mood music

anyway if you complete one of my clearly superior quests you can go to the garden to get a prize
were on the honor system here folks
dont take shit you dont earn
or do im not the boss of anyone

ps if anyone figures out a way to get or make more film for cameras on the regular
hmu
peace out

pps the forest thing was john and i kept getting bounced back when we went to maybe consider finding this awesome discobird
and eventually went well fine fuck you too
after like
three attempts

ppps is there an upper limit to how many postscripts you can put on something im not even sure

Comments

[whichcraft]

[Amazing how stairs are such a relevant topical element.]

It's not always. Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk only had a mom and no dad. But usually it's for the easy villain element. Mom dies in childbirth, dad remarries, new mom hates the kid for birthright reasons or jealousy reasons or bloodline reasons. Easy conflict while keeping a relatively small cast of characters.

Anyway, so the kid winds up laid up in bed, unable to walk with this broken leg, and he's absolutely miserable because he can't go out and play anymore. The king tries everything to cheer him up, buys him toys and orders entertainers and makes his chefs prepare every possible dish under the sun, but nothing works. The kid just winds up more and more miserable, and nothing helps.

But then one day he hears this singing at his window, and when he looks over, it's the nightingale from the forest. And it's the first thing to make him happy in what seems like an eternity, so even though he can't go out into the woods anymore, he still gets to hear the nightingale sing.

Well, after a while his dad comes upstairs to check on him, and when the nightingale hears footsteps coming, it flies back into the forest, but the son doesn't really care because he's so happy from getting to hear it sing, and then obviously once the king sees him he's just blown away because this is the first time he's seen his son happy in so long.

[parodeity]

my plot senses tell me the dad is about to Fuck Up
capitalization for obviously needed emphasis

[whichcraft]

Oh hell yeah, dad's about to Fuck Up so bad.

Take a wild guess how.

[parodeity]

hes gonna go hunt down the nightingale
basically creating in a bird the same damn thing that happened to his son
ironic

[whichcraft]

Don't be ridiculous, he's not going to go hunt down the nightingale.

He's the king, he has people to do that for him.

BUT YES he basically decides that since nightingale + son = son happy, then he needs his son to be +nightingale at all times, so he sends his guys out to scour the forest looking for it.

And eventually they find it, and they throw it in a cage, and he brings it to his son all elated, because now his son has got his nightingale and it'll never go away so it can just always sing for him and his son will be happy. Dad of the Year award: cinched.

[parodeity]

a classic case of complete parental misunderstanding ala sitcoms only with a bit less situational comedy and a bit more situational tragedy
a sitrady

[whichcraft]

That's your middle name, right? Stragedy.

Anyway, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the nightingale doesn't sing. It just sits there in its cage, silent, and it actually just makes the sun feel worse after a while because he looks at the bird in the cage and remembers how they both used to run free through the woods, and now they're both trapped like this.

So the king catches wind of it and starts to visit, and it turns out that he was told the truth, the nightingale just plain won't sing. So he waits until his son falls asleep, and then he goes over to the cage, and he starts pleading with the nightingale, please, my son wants to hear it, please, it's the only thing that makes him feel better, please just sing.

[parodeity]

itd be easier to just sing to the kid himself
or like
build a wheelchair

[whichcraft]

Basically.

Anyway, so unsurprisingly, the nightingale still doesn't sing; it just hops around its cage and stays quiet.

Now, in SOME fairy tales, this is the part where the king would get religion and realize that hey, maybe keeping things in captivity isn't the greatest way of making them do what you want them to, but guess what, kids, this king is an ASSHOLE.

So he decides he's going to get what he wants the same way he always gets what he wants. He leans in and he tells the bird that it's got one more chance, and when his son wakes up, it better sing for him, or he'll make sure the bird regrets it.

...Uh, by the way, content warning, fictional man threatens fictional bird, I guess.

[parodeity]

its too late for your tws ive already been triggered
#how could you #sabrina why #threatened animal abuse #alluded avian abuse

but yeah no go on i gotcha

[whichcraft]

Honestly putting content warnings for fairy tales is kind of redundant like what's the point of a fairy tale if somebody isn't getting their head chopped off or rolled down a hill inside a barrel full of nails.

Anyway, so the morning comes, and the son wakes up, and the king comes in and sits at his bedside, and he looks at the nightingale and he just waits.

Nothing happens.

The kid asks his father why he looks so tense, and the dad says oh, it's nothing, but he's really confident that today will be different, it feels like a special day, maybe the nightingale will finally sing.

And they wait.

The king's getting more and more tense, and he's just watching this bird and waiting and his expression is getting angrier and angrier.

And nothing happens. The bird won't sing.

[parodeity]

possibly bc the bird doesnt speak human
or angry asshole
either or

[whichcraft]

More the latter, I think. Or the bird's a stubborn little thing in its own right.

Anyway, eventually the king snaps. Just can't take it anymore. Gets up, forgets even that his son is right there, and storms over to the cage. He's yelling at the bird, hitting the bars of the cage with his cane, shaking it and screaming at it to sing, because he warned this fucking bird and now it's really pissed him off and what good is it anyway if it's not going to sing either way, it's of no use to him anyway.

So he's picking up the cage and getting ready to throw it against the wall when all of a sudden something cracks him over the back of the head.

So he drops like a sack of potatoes, and there behind him is his son, who rebroke his leg getting out of bed and his face is white as a sheet, and he's got one of those damn fancy toys that his dad bought him in his hands, and he and the nightingale just stare at each other for a minute, like neither of them can process what just happened.

[parodeity]

ok
was not expecting that twist
but
i think i like it

[whichcraft]

Yeah, that's right, we're remixing this classic with a heaping helping of fuck off to assholery.

So anyway, the kid hops over to the cage and opens it up, and the nightingale flies out like a sensible bird would. But rather than going straight for the window, it flutters up and lands on top of the cage, and when it opens its beak it sings the most beautiful song that the kid has ever heard, and all of a sudden the pain in his leg starts to disappear, and when he looks down he realizes it's healing itself right there before his very eyes.

But that's not the only thing that's healing, because the king's still there too, and so the wound on his head is starting to seal up, and the kid knows he'll be conscious again in less than a minute.

So the nightingale falls silent, and the kid and the bird look at each other, and then they both look at the king, and finally the kid says, "Take me with you."

So the bird starts to sing again, and this time the song is wild and free and soaring, and by the time it's done the kid has changed into a nightingale, himself.

And so just as the king starts to wake up, the two nightingales take off and soar out the window, just in time for him to see them going.

They never come back, and they live happily ever after, and every day for the rest of his days the king went up to his son's old room and screamed out the window for the nightingale to give him his son back.

And nothing happens. The end.

[parodeity]

[ maybe it shouldn't sound as hopeful as dave feels it does. ]

you know what
you earned three prizes
you are good at this

[whichcraft]

I told you.

First rule of fairy tales. Know your audience.

[parodeity]

am i really that easy to read

[whichcraft]

I'd say it's more like I'm good at reading, really.

I was never good with with putting stabby things into fleshy objects. Reading people's one of the things I actually could do.

[parodeity]

for some reason i grew up mostly learning the former
but my sister has always been good at the latter

[whichcraft]

I mean it's a double-edged sword? Pun intended.

It's a good skill to have, super useful, right up until the dude whips out a broadsword and then all of a sudden talking doesn't do you a shit lot of good anymore.

[parodeity]

psh
i usually try to put off the swording until my rambling proves ineffective
and even then sometimes i will just keep arguing
depending on who is telling me to whip out a sword and duel them

[robosmith]

Thanks for the rad avian-themed story.
And thanks to my ever so generous bro for being willing to share.
Here's a prize on my behalf because art begets ironically badly drawn art and all that.

[whichcraft]

Well, shit. Now all I need is a monk to inscribe it on some vellum with a gigantic first letter and I've got it made, baby, story and illustration and all.

[robosmith]

With any luck a monk will come wandering out of the forest. It's probably just a matter of time.
Stranger things have happened here.
But when the monk deigns us worthy of his presence, we can totally get this shit properly published ye olde style.
Make it an official fairy tale.
Eat your heart out, Hans Christian Andersen.