#03B2F7

[withwisdom]

(color)

Addressed to all:

Now that things have settled again after the recent incident, I want to make an offering.

As a child, and into my adult years, I underwent spiritual training on a daily basis to forge a bond with the ancient gods of my land. The purpose of this training was to unlock myself to the world, and gain its wisdom in the process. Though it was a long process, I was successful.

In times of struggle and strife, it can be difficult to figure out where one should turn. It's easy to feel abandoned, and harder to feel united, and you may question if there is any care in the grand scheme of the universe. No one person won't ask themselves if they should take their sufferings and bottle them inside, or reveal them to the world with the fear of judgment. To take hammer to the wall that shields the vulnerable heart is no easy task. Some don't want to break it. Others need help.

To insert an opinion into this, I no longer trust in the higher beings on this realm who brought us here to be of any help. They want us to restore their color, but don't care to grant us any protections in danger. So we must help ourselves, and each other, in times of disillusionment. I've come to feel very strongly about this following the sirens kidnapping.

The purpose of this posting is such: I want to offer myself to others as a spiritual guide. If you feel yourself conflicted, or feeling you have lost your path, or if you want to pray with someone beside you, then you may request me. I ask for nothing in return other than your patience and belief. More so in yourself than me.

If you have questions you may place them here. Comments and discussion into these topics are also accepted.

-Zelda

Comments

[withwisdom]

[ oh, a bite? ]

Certainly, Dextera. Would you like to meet in person, or should I message to you away from this posting?

network → private

[passio]

I’ll message you, if that’s all right. I think I need to explain things first.

[ and then, a little later, in zelda’s inbox: ]

Are you really willing to help?

[withwisdom]

Very well.

[ and she'll wait until the message comes into her inbox from there. ]

So long as who I speak with is willing to be helped. One cannot force these things upon people if acting in good faith.

[passio]

I need a lot of help.

I’ve felt lost ever since I got here, but no one understands.

[withwisdom]

[ ...she's sure that can't be true. but if he feels so strongly, to raise any doubt would only bring pain. ]

It sounds like you've been carrying a great burden if it has been since you first came here. Tell me, what help do you feel you need?

[passio]

[ although he has, in some ways, gotten used to saying this to people, it never hurts less to admit. ]

I committed a great sin.

I want to atone for it, but I don’t know how, and all anyone seems to tell me is that it wasn’t my fault. It’s nice, but it doesn’t change how much this guilt hurts.

[withwisdom]

[ that people would tell me that doesn't surprise. it's the more natural response someone would give to a friend in turmoil. ]

A question for you then. Would you work toward atonement you seek, put your heart into it, and accept that your efforts could still be in vain?

[passio]

[ in vain? why would he bother if he didn’t think that something would change for him? the problem is, of course, that he doesn’t care what he’s done as much as he cares about how much pain he’s in as a result. ]

What do you mean?

[withwisdom]

My understanding of your statement is that you seek to process the weight of your sin, so that the burden of carrying it may lighten. If you were seeking atonement from the world, the assurances that you did nothing wrong would lighten you with ease. However if those assurances don't change anything about how you feel, then your guilt comes from somewhere much deeper.

You don't want forgiveness from others. You want forgiveness from yourself. Or am I misunderstanding?

[passio]

[ for all the time he’s spent thinking about it, it never occurred to him that he had to be the one to forgive himself for what he’s done. it takes him a moment to respond, after that. ]

How can I forgive myself? I don’t deserve that power.

[withwisdom]

[ oh dear boy... ]

That is what I mean when I say your efforts may be in vain. The gods can forgive. The world may forgive. But forgiveness from the outside is a meaningless platitude in comparison to forgiveness within.

No one can guarantee the atonement you seek. However, this should not make you fear trying. What do you have to lose in the attempt? All are deserving of a chance.

[passio]

I don’t know how I can possibly forgive myself for what I did. I killed someone very important to me. I killed the world.

No matter how many times I try to forgive myself for that, it can’t work. I don’t deserve it.

[withwisdom]

[ ... ]

If you truly thought that, you would not even think to seek atonement. You wouldn't be telling me all of this either.

[ the story to his sin must truly be arduous if what he says is true. yet even if it is all true, who is she to act as his judge? he already seems to be doing a fine job of that on his own. ]

[passio]

[ it’s a difficult situation. he wants to be forgiven and relieved of this burden, but he can’t take any forgiveness to heart until he’s convinced himself that it’s all right to move on. when will it be “all right” that he hurt so many people, though? ]

I’m just confused.

That’s why I need to talk to you, if you’re able to help me.

[withwisdom]

I can provide you spiritual guidance, and illuminate the path you walk on through it. To walk down that road, and to forgive yourself at the end of it, is your responsibility.

[ his sins sound grave, and what she won't say is that she deeply worries for him. to her it's a matter far deeper than confusion. it's the spirit in turmoil. one cannot live with so much burden and hope to find peace.

but he isn't asking for platitudes and assurances. she too must keep a distance in this matter - it's the only way she can help him. ]

[passio]

[ dextera takes a deep breath at his laptop. that’s what he needs. not more responsibility, necessarily, but just someone to help him get there. someone who isn’t the archangel, and someone who isn’t biased in his favor. ]

Thank you, Zelda. I don’t want to suffer like this forever.

[withwisdom]

Even a moment of suffering can feel like an eternity.

[ so what does that go to say about a prolonged sort? it's nothing short of brutal. ]

We should set up times to meet. Perhaps once every fortnight? [ hm... although. ] Would you prefer to meet in person or do conversations over our devices?

[ she leaves the option to him. it's easier to be vulnerable when you aren't directly in front of a person sometimes. ]

[passio]

I can organize my thoughts like this.

[ the truth is, he doesn’t want zelda to see him in pain—maybe it will stir up some sympathy, maybe it won’t, but he doesn’t want it either way. he wants an objective, guiding hand. ]

Maybe after you know more, we could meet up in person, but I think this is better for now.

[withwisdom]

Understandable. I'll send you message in the next fortnight then, provided nothing hectic is underway.

[ #fucksirens2018 ]

If anything comes up you need to talk about, you're free to message me whenever you need as well.

[passio]

I don’t know if you understand what this means to me.

I lost my memories. Religion is all I’ve ever had. Maybe we believe in different gods, but I don’t think the fundamentals change when it comes to things like this.

So thank you.

[withwisdom]

[ he's right to say that. she hopes she can come to understand though. ]

I knew someone like that. He was a dear friend, and he had forgotten me entirely. But those memories are never truly lost. The soul still remembers.

[ and he did as well, in time. ]

You're right though. Prayer is less about the gods and more about our relationship to them. I hope when you pray, you can find something dear to channel your energy toward.

[passio]

[ “never truly lost.”

dextera hopes that’s true. he needs it to be true, even if he can’t get those memories back as he is. it’s a punishment, maybe, for his sin—he doesn’t deserve to be whole until he can fix what he’s done. ]

There is a god in my world that I believe in. She wants me to be healed. I just have to get there.

[withwisdom]

And you will.

[ whether it's with her help or not, the determination in taking action makes all the difference. ]

Take care for the time being. You should enjoy the peace while it is here. If you need anything you can always message.